Thursday, October 8, 2009

Mommy Guilt of a New Kind

When I was little I remember my Mom was the best room mother. She attended every Halloween, Christmas and Valentine's party my class ever threw. She was a chaperone on every field trip I ever took. I have such great memories of picking apples with my Mom, going to the circus with my Mom, eating pink cupcakes with my Mom. In all these pictures there was also my little brother. See back when I was in elementary school, little siblings were welcomed on these trips and parties. And when my little brother started school, Mom went on his trips and attended his parties as well.

So here we are today and now I have a kindergartener and an infant, just like my Mom, but somehow things are different. First, I don't know how she did it, but my Mom managed her time WAY better than I do. Maybe it is because she didn't have Facebook, Twitter & blogs, but who can say for sure. I've been asked twice now to help with Trinity's class. Once was a lunch server and just today I was asked to be a teacher for Art Adventure week. My problem - no siblings allowed. I can't do it. I tried to get Noah into the daycare that Trinity was in, just part time, maybe 10 hours a week, but no, they don't have any openings until June. June! So, here I sit almost in tears, because as I watched Trinity grow from a infant to a toddler to a preschooler, I was there - always - for every field trip, for every party, for every event, until now.

We had a plan, a plan for an only child. ONE child I could devote all my attention and time to, but then we were surprised by this wonderful gift from God. While I wouldn't change things for anything, I am now plagued with mommy guilt once again. The guilt that my plans of being there for every field trip, every party, every fundraiser, every PSA meeting, every Girl Scout meeting is crushed. I now know that the same fond memories I have of my Mom and snowman cookies, Trinity will not have. Maybe the pain is too fresh, maybe after some time I will come to grips with this too, maybe I am just feeling overwhelmed this week, maybe I am just overreacting, but my heart is breaking & I feel I am not living up to my fullest potential as a Mom today. The guilt is creeping in and I'm not sure how to stop it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I'm getting my groove back.

One thing about my pregnancies is that they throw my life into chaos. I realize that is probably true for most people, but all I can atest to is my own. I feel like I lose myself because I am unable to function normally. Add to that the fact that just being pregnant this last time was a shock for me I haven't felt like myself in over a year. Noah is now 6 months old and I am just starting to feel like I am getting myself back. So, part of getting myself back on track is to start blogging again.

I am not going to make any promises and I'm not going to pretend that I am blogging for those of you reading this. This blog is for me. It is my place to express my feelings that I may not be comfortable expressing anywhere else. You are welcome to read it, comment on it or ignore it. I appreciate your interest in my life, but these thoughts and words are mine.

Trinity began kindergarten on September 1st. I am not sure when she grew up, but I look back and realize that I took for granted that she would always be little and now she isn't. She loves school and I am so far happy with our choice of sending her to our local Catholic school.

Noah is all boy. He made his appearance into our lives on March 4, 2009. His labor was a little longer than Trinity's, but still short at 6 1/2 hours. He is now just over 6 months and doing well. He is almost 18 lbs and 26 1/2" long at his appointment last week. I find that parenting the second time has some great times and some horrible times. I know that we never thought we'd have a second child, but now we just cannot imagine our lives without this amazing gift from God. He has already managed to climb out of his swing and is a daredevil. He is not a snuggler much to my dismay, but I'll keep him anyway.

We have made much progress on our kitchen remodel. We still have some trim to get up & a little touch up painting, but overall we are close to done. It was one long year of construction. My black concrete counter tops are killer by the way. If you want to see them I have pictures on Facebook, just friend me.

I think this is going to be the end of my return to blogging. I need to get some stuff done before Noah wakes up and we have to go pick up Trinity today from Montessori. She was missing her Montessori friends, so we agreed she could do their after school program one afternoon a week and Tuesdays are her day. She gets to ride the bus from kindergarten to Montessori and boy I think the only thing that could top that is if we actually bought her a pony. I can't wait to hear about her first day.

Have a wonderful day, smile and ask someone how you can help them today. It is amazing how your outlook can change with one question.

Sunday, February 22, 2009