Thursday, October 8, 2009

Mommy Guilt of a New Kind

When I was little I remember my Mom was the best room mother. She attended every Halloween, Christmas and Valentine's party my class ever threw. She was a chaperone on every field trip I ever took. I have such great memories of picking apples with my Mom, going to the circus with my Mom, eating pink cupcakes with my Mom. In all these pictures there was also my little brother. See back when I was in elementary school, little siblings were welcomed on these trips and parties. And when my little brother started school, Mom went on his trips and attended his parties as well.

So here we are today and now I have a kindergartener and an infant, just like my Mom, but somehow things are different. First, I don't know how she did it, but my Mom managed her time WAY better than I do. Maybe it is because she didn't have Facebook, Twitter & blogs, but who can say for sure. I've been asked twice now to help with Trinity's class. Once was a lunch server and just today I was asked to be a teacher for Art Adventure week. My problem - no siblings allowed. I can't do it. I tried to get Noah into the daycare that Trinity was in, just part time, maybe 10 hours a week, but no, they don't have any openings until June. June! So, here I sit almost in tears, because as I watched Trinity grow from a infant to a toddler to a preschooler, I was there - always - for every field trip, for every party, for every event, until now.

We had a plan, a plan for an only child. ONE child I could devote all my attention and time to, but then we were surprised by this wonderful gift from God. While I wouldn't change things for anything, I am now plagued with mommy guilt once again. The guilt that my plans of being there for every field trip, every party, every fundraiser, every PSA meeting, every Girl Scout meeting is crushed. I now know that the same fond memories I have of my Mom and snowman cookies, Trinity will not have. Maybe the pain is too fresh, maybe after some time I will come to grips with this too, maybe I am just feeling overwhelmed this week, maybe I am just overreacting, but my heart is breaking & I feel I am not living up to my fullest potential as a Mom today. The guilt is creeping in and I'm not sure how to stop it.