Monday, May 5, 2008
I'm thinking about my Dad a lot today. I think because I had a rough day. I hate fighting with my husband & I did it twice in one day. Big fights, too not just a small disagreement. The studio was also vandalized and I had to deal with my landlord and an incompetent police officer. I generally have a great respect for our police officers, but this guy just looked at my window and said "You know you can wash that off, right." Yes, thank you officer, but seeing as this isn't my building and half of downtown was spray painted I thought you'd like to write a report or something. My Dad and I are (were?) very similar. We're both stubborn, always right and smarter than people give us credit for. He wasn't home often when I was growing up. Mom stayed home, so Dad worked all the time. He never had a normal 8-5 job. But when life threw me a curve ball I always knew that I was safe if Dad was around. He was very hard on us and didn't show affection, but I knew nothing could get me if my Daddy was home. I was never scared of monsters in my closet or under my bed, because I knew they were more scared of my Dad. I rarely had bad dreams if Dad was sleeping in the room under mine or down the hall. I just knew I was safe. My husband usually makes me feel that same way. I think that is why I knew he was the one I was destined to be with forever. I knew I was safe when he was with me. If my husband is away or working late I can't fall asleep, I hear things, my head fills with irrational fears, I'm tense and I get scared. As soon as I hear his key in the door I immediately relax. I know I'm okay. Since DH & I are fighting today I am missing my Dad. Because I don't feel safe. I feel adrift and alone. I feel like there are monsters under my bed and I don't know what to do. I have never felt this, because I've always had either my Daddy or my husband to protect me and today I don't. DH isn't home so we can't work this out, Daddy isn't here and I'm scared that if I go to bed, into the dark that the monsters will get me. I now know they are there, lurking, waiting and I can't face them - not alone.